“Monk Mode” Is Destroying Young Men

Retreating from the world won’t help us.

Explorations of the American loneliness epidemic are everywhere these days—and with good reason. The rise of the “anti-social century,” as Derek Thompson labeled it last week, has had disastrous effects across our culture and politics. Young men might be struggling the most.

In 1990, the share of men with no close friends was just 3 percent. In 2021, it was 15 percent. The Survey Center on American Life finds that 28 percent of men under 30 have no close social connections. Single men without kids are spending their leisure time alone more than any other demographic group. The laundry list of frightening evidence could stretch for pages.

Experts point to social media addiction or changing gender norms or the growing education gap—all undoubtedly important factors. As a 20-something man myself, however, I think we’re still underrating the degree to which some men my age view isolation as an admirable trait. Not an abstract evil imposed by a changing society, but something we should aspire towards.

I struggled to put my thumb on the idea until Dan Cox, who directs the Survey Center on American Life, told me about “Monk Mode”—a trend that instructs men to cut out social interaction to achieve their goals. Suddenly, everything clicked into place.

Just about every time I scroll online, an influencer or “health expert” starts shouting variations of this ridiculous advice: Wake up at 4am! Take three ice baths a day! Cut out women from your life! Focus only on yourself! On this masochistic road to self-improvement, family and friends are never mentioned. In short: Monk Mode and its spin-offs. Thompson puts it well: “These videos are advertisements for a luxurious form of modern monasticism that treats the presence of other people as, at best, an unwelcome distraction and, at worst, an unhealthy indulgence that is ideally avoided.”

I don’t go looking for these videos—I’d much rather my feed be old Red Sox highlights—but I am force fed the content nonetheless. I checked with a dozen or so friends to confirm I hadn’t been relegated to some obscure algorithmic hell. They confirmed my theory. All the men were familiar with this content, whether they had searched for it or not. Women, for the most part, had no idea what I was talking about.

Strange as it may sound, high-brow publications and these weird influencers are actually recognizing the same problem: many young men are struggling. But the presented solutions are starkly different. The former implores us to get outside, to make friends, and to party more. The latter, well, quite the opposite. And I’ll let you guess whether 20-somethings are spending more time on Instagram and TikTok or in the culture section of monthly magazines.

Over and over, we hear that the good life requires a “grindset”—proud isolation in the name of misguided self-improvement. And it is destroying young men.

“Unstoppable Rise,” a website that promises “actionable and pragmatic self-improvement with a masculine slant,” provides an extensive guide to Monk Mode. Six commandments are considered “absolutely mandatory” on this journey. Refrain from: (1) social media, (2) alcohol and drugs, and (3) conversation for the sake of conversation. Engage in: (4) meditation, (5) deep work sessions, and (6) conscious withdrawal from social obligations. Optional-but-encouraged practices include exercising, no junk food, and total sexual abstinence.

This is not to say going to the gym or eating healthy is bad. Many of these are just fine—great habits, even. I am not suggesting the male ideal is Bluto in Animal House (“Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life,” advises Dean Wormer). But pillars (3) and (6) are wildly counterproductive to what young men need.

Study after study has shown that social support is essential for young men’s coping response to psychological distress—particularly since we are less likely to seek out formal methods like therapy. Cox’s Survey Center found that “nothing more strongly predicts the frequency with which we feel lonely than the total number of close friends we have.” Unsurprisingly, men with more friends also report feeling less depressed. Monk Mode and its variations prevent the formation and maintenance of these friendships—leading to the opposite impact it promises.

And all that extra gym time won’t make up for it. Perceptions of health, too, appear to suffer without social interaction: 31 percent of Americans with no close friends are “not too satisfied” or “not at all satisfied” with their personal health. Just 10 percent of those with 10+ friends say the same.

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Proponents of this asceticism might argue that any social costs are outweighed by professional benefits. Without silly distractions, they say, you can find the dream job or secure the long-awaited promotion. But this approach ignores that social connection is essential to professional development as well.

In his seminal paper, The Strength of Weak Ties, Stanford’s Mark Granovetter reminds us that for much of the 20th century, “blue-collar workers [found out] about new jobs more through personal contacts than by any other method.” Other studies suggest this is true for white-collar workers too. Granovetter writes that the contact for a new job is often “someone only marginally included in the current network of contacts, such as an old college friend or a former workmate,” and that “chance meetings or mutual friends operated to reactivate such ties.” Such encounters, of course, are impossible if one has purposefully withdrawn from all social life. Rather than helping our career prospects, isolation—even so-called “productive” isolation—actively hurts them.

While weak ties have grown more fragile, particularly post-pandemic, they remain essential—and eminently achievable. Go to the dreaded work happy hour, sit down in a coffee shop, chat up your neighbors, text an old roommate. Over time, these connections pay off—emotionally, physically, and professionally—much more than solitary “deep work sessions.” A 2021 study found that people with high levels of social connectedness did better on cognition tests than those with the lowest levels. As we age, connecting with others can also slow cognitive decline.

Nearly all the available evidence tells us that withdrawing from the world is a terrible idea. Self-imposed solitude, even in the name of personal growth, just digs a deeper hole. To improve ourselves, or really be ourselves at all, we need others.